Attorney Terry Tallach watched with disbelief as Hampshire County Superior Court Officer Gloria Blainey squeezed the handcuffs around his wrists and then took hold of his left elbow. “Let’s go,” she said.

If this had been Terry’s fantasy world, Gloria would have been an adventurous twenty-three year old, wearing stiletto heels and stockings, and leading him to her bedroom.

In the painfully real world, however, Gloria was a sixty-something grandmother of four, wearing dark blue Reeboks and thick socks, and leading him to the courthouse lockup because the worst judge in Massachusetts had decided to break Terry’s balls.

It was the perfect ending to the perfect case — a thirty-nine dollar per hour court-appointed criminal assignment with an idiot for a client.

Terry was representing James O’Toole, a squeaky-voiced kid with a limp, already a veteran of several guilty pleas to a variety of misdemeanors, who had been charged with the night time armed and masked robbery of a grocery store. The prosecution’s case rested on the testimony of three eye witnesses who emphatically identified O’Toole — despite the mask — because of his limp and his distinctive voice. And in case anybody cared, there were fingerprints, too. Conviction was inevitable. After which Judge Richard Cottonwood would impose a life-destroying sentence.

O’Toole had told Terry that he had spent the night with his girlfriend, and with the unwavering certainty only available to the profoundly stupid, declared that he was sure to be acquitted on the basis of her testimony. A significant flaw in that plan was that despite looking for this dream witness for weeks, Terry couldn’t find her.

So in the days leading up to the trial, Terry engaged in many hours of hard negotiating, during which he cobbled together a plea bargain which would result in O’Toole getting a reasonable sentence.

Of course, O’Toole, being an idiot, refused the deal. Bringing them to the last day of trial with nothing to their case except the testimony of the defendant — a man who walked and talked funny, standing accused of a serious crime committed by a man who, well, walked and talked funny.

But then, that morning, just as Terry was entering the courthouse for the final act of the farce, a young woman identifying herself as the girlfriend’s sister came up to him and said that she would testify that O’Toole had been with her sister on the night of the robbery.

So Terry called her as a witness.

Which is when things kind of went south with the Big Dick.

Richard Cottonwood never let a defendant call a witness who was not on the witness list — reason number 324 why he was a turd. The official rules of criminal procedure required that before the trial, the defense lawyer and the prosecutor exchange lists of witnesses that they expected to testify. But every once in a while, somebody needed to call a witness that wasn’t on the list. Judges hated it, but usually allowed it, if you could show them a good reason. Not Dick Cottonwood, though. The word across the state was that in over thirty years on the bench, he had never let a defendant call a witness that wasn’t on the list.

Never. What an ass.

But Terry called the girlfriend’s sister anyway, even though he knew that Cottonwood wouldn’t let her testify. He figured that he’d have the opportunity to explain why the witness was important, so that on appeal, O’Toole had at least a chance at getting a new trial.

But instead of letting Terry make a statement as to why he needed to call the witness, Judge Cottonwood just said, “This witness was not on the list. Call another one.”

“Your honor,” Terry had responded, “I’d like to come to sidebar to give an offer of proof as to the purpose —”

“That’s not necessary,” interrupted the judge. “Are you going to call another witness, or is the defense resting?”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” Terry said, “but I need to insist on coming to sidebar in order to make a record —”

“You’ll insist on nothing in my courtroom, Mr. Tallach,” said the judge. “And I order you to call your next witness.”

“But Your Honor —” Terry said, only to be interrupted again.

“Mr. Tallach,” the judge said, “listen carefully to me. You will either call another witness or tell me that the defense rests. If you do anything — and I mean anything — else, I will hold you in contempt of court.”

Terry laughed. “You’re going to throw me in the can for trying to defend my client?” he said.

“Apparently I am,” the judge replied. “The court finds you in contempt, and instructs the court officers to take you into custody immediately. Court is in recess.”

And now Gloria and her partner, Big Tony Z, were escorting Terry down the back stairs to the holding cell in the courthouse basement. They stopped at the entrance, Gloria undid the cuffs, Terry walked inside, and the heavy door clanged shut behind him.

The bare, concrete floor was painted gray. An ancient sink with a rust stain beneath the single, cold water spigot was the only thing hanging on the puke yellow cinder block walls. The place smelled like stale sweat and urine. Terry stared through the bars at Big Tony. Incarceration wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

“I already called Zack,” Big Tony said. “He’ll be here in a few minutes.”

Zack Wilson was Terry’s closest friend, and the best lawyer he knew. They’d met in high school, and were now law partners. Although there were times, like these, when Terry wondered if Zack doubted the wisdom of that arrangement.

It wasn’t that Terry was a bad lawyer. Far from it. He worked hard for his clients -- even the worst of the deadbeats.

It was just that his style was different from Zack’s. Terry was kind of dark, and bulky, and in your face. If you needed a brawler on your side of a criminal trial, Terry was your guy.

Zack, on the other hand, was more like a golden boy — lean, athletic-looking, fair-skinned, blond. He walked into a room, and you’d swear that somebody had actually turned up the lights. It was weird. He didn’t dress very well, and he wasn’t even that good-looking, but somehow, people were drawn to him. Especially women. And children.

And juries.

And Zack was smart, too. But in a way that people appreciated, not in a way that pissed them off. The combination made him a terrific attorney. Whether he was terrific enough to get Terry out of this jackpot was an open question, though. A very important open question. Being locked in a shithole sucked.

After what seemed like hours, but was probably more like forty five minutes, Tony took a phone call, thirty seconds later the elevator bell rang, and then Zack’s voice was saying hello to Gloria and Tony. Another minute passed, it sounded like Zack said, “Let me tell him,” and then Zack came around the corner.

As usual, he somehow managed to carry himself like he owned the place, even if the place happened to be a dungeon prison cell. He was wearing his default expression — a warm, genuine smile that managed not only to be all inclusive, but to radiate a message which everyone around him read loud and clear: things were already pretty darn good, and they were just about to get better. Gloria was shuffling along behind him, probably to ask him to marry one of her daughters.

Before Zack even reached the cell, he began to speak. “The good news is that we just got assigned the biggest and most important criminal case Northampton has ever seen.”

If he was waiting for a response, he was going to wait for a while. That wasn’t the good news Terry was looking for.

“The better news is that Gloria tells me it’s meatloaf night.”

Aw fuck. Zack couldn’t get him out. He was screwed.

And then Gloria moved past Zack, and started putting her key into the lock. Zack continued. “But the best news of all is that you won’t be around here for dinner.”